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This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company‘s President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever‘s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn‘t be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that‘s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LASTPOSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I‘m worth.
MOSTNOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASONFOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURSAVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOUHAVEANYSPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they‘re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACTYOURCURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOUHAVEANYPHYSICALCONDITIONSTHATWOULDPROHIBITYOU FROM
LIFTINGUP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOUHAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?‘
HAVEYOURECEIVEDANYSPECIALAWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job-no! On my breaks-yes!
WHATWOULDYOULIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond supermodel who thinks I‘m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I‘d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE:
7 miles
DO YOUCERTIFYTHATTHEABOVE IS TRUEANDCOMPLETE TO THEBEST OF
Nothing gets the stomach juices flowing quite as well as a ring of shrimp with tails dangling in the air and heads swaddled in tubes of cheese-stuffed dough.
My idea of a pizza is rather basic: a flat round of dough covered in tomato sauce, dotted with mozzarella, and topped with a few basil leaves. But in the world of East Asian pizza chain pies, that would be some major weak-sauce pizza. Where are the shrimp, potato, and mayonnaise toppings? Where's the hot-dog-and-cheese-stuffed crust?
During my search for extreme Asian pizzas, I mostly noticed the range of unconventional crusts, ranging from those stuffed with hot dogs to crusts filled with sweet potato mousse. After the jump, check out my list of Top Ten Weird Asian Pizza Crusts, arranged from least weird to most bizarre.
1. Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite (Pizza Hut; Japan, South Korea)
For the pizza lover who also craves shrimp and cheese wrapped in dough, Pizza Hut has created the Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite. Because nothing gets the stomach juices flowing quite as well as a ring of shrimp with tails dangling in the air and heads swaddled in tubes of cheese-stuffed dough.
Pizza Hut's Shrimp and Mayo Crust Roll is similar to its Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite except it uses shrimp nuggets instead of whole shrimp and is injected with mayonnaise instead of surrounded by gooey cheese. Think pigs in a blanket reimagined as cheese-oozing shrimp nubs in a blanket.
The crust of the German King is folded over every few inches to encase a ring of sausage atop a layer of bacon. Atop a layer of cheese. The result is a visually appealing pattern of alternating pink sausage and golden crust and a flavor symphony of processed meat, pork, and cheese in every bite.
I imagine that someone had to ask that question to prompt the creation of the Triple Cheese Pizza, a stack of three thin crusts, each slathered with a different kind of cheese: cheddar for the bottom layer, Camembert for the middle layer, and emmental for the top layer.
The Mizza is a healthy take on pizza that replaces the crust with a thick patty of rice. It's like a bowl of rice topped with stuff—except shaped differently.
Admittedly it's not the crust on the Abalone Sauce Cheesy Lava Stuffed Crust Pizza that is so mindblowing but the whole package of seafood, abalone sauce, crayfish and crab roe dressing, chicken, and enoki mushrooms—along with the commercial below—that makes this pizza look like the ultimate symbol of today's cosmopolitan woman. ("She could be you!" Unless you're a man.) My favorite part is when the cheese—a combination of mozzarella, Parmesan, and cheddar—oozes out of the crust holes. I think that's how the pizza "breathes."
Pizza Hut's Rich Gold looks similar to Mr. Pizza's Shrimp Nude but replaces the cream cheese mousse with sweet potato mousse. It's two carbs in every bite!
As part of its Spring Season Campaign, Strawberry Cones brings you three kinds of exciting crusts:
Mimi Kururin: Filled with "100% pork sausage." Mocchi-mo: Made out of balls of mochi (glutinous rice paste). Even the Crust Is Cheddar Sauce: Has a "sticky cheddar taste."
If the crusts aren't exciting enough for you, each pizza is divided into quadrants to bring you four kinds of topping combinations:
10. Grand Prix: Cookie Crust Pizza Topped with Shrimp and Potato (Mr. Pizza, South Korea)
It doesn't contain shrimp. It doesn't ooze with cheese. It doesn't wrap around a log of meat. But Mr. Pizza's Grand Prix is my pick for the weirdest crust because ... it's made of cookie. A rather healthy sounding cookie that's sprinkled with sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and raisins, although, according to Mr. Pizza, it "tastes like European soft cookies!" If this doesn't sound enticing enough, the pizza comes with blueberry dipping sauce to slather the crust in after you're done eating the noncrusty part (which is topped with shrimp and potato—fairly normal for an Asian pizza).
Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman? Carry out this simple yet effective test to find out.
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife or girlfriend would ever agree to c) Not the sort of thing your wife or girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience b) The second best part of the experience c) 100 Dollars extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) Not a problem - she can join your gym c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth b) An oxymoron c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree b) Priming is to painting c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) Is uptight and a waste of time c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
Push your eyes for interesting light show (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your sub-conscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?
See how long you can hold your breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
Try to not think about polar bears (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it - it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).
See what’s in your neighbor’s trash (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and…AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the “I have the feeling I’m being watched” principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?
Have a “Who is less competitive” competition (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6″ to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Have a water drinking contest: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view: (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
Advertise Here (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck: (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
